Breathe. Breathe. Breathe

I need to get on with life and not sit here all day and wait for something to happen. Monday is doomsday. I say it like its the first O level paper but it isn't. Its results. Omg. I am suddenly freaking out for no reason. I am so lazy I should die. I can't even think of 12 courses I want. If I don't get my desired grade. I'm going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. The next scary thing after results is posting. Omg sucks we have like 5 days to decide the rest of our lifes. H8H8H8H8. Its so cold, I can't feel my toes. I think I need to mediate. Some post rock, to calm my nerves. I hate this. All before my 18th. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And my heart has a mind of its own. Omgggggg. Not nowwwwwwww. Must.stop.now.

I came across this tonight: 

The most selfish thing you can do is stay in a relationship you're not committed to.

what do you think? i think that i don't really know how to answer to such questions anymore. 

1. it's the third day of the school year and i am already fighting to keep my eyelids open during math lessons. 

2. the one who is fast to open her mouth and slow to listening loses everything good.

3. my heart is heavy, and right now the only source of comfort comes from spider, baby+tiger (baby in particular because we've been especially close recently: she keeps falling asleep on my pillow) and UTG. 

4. i don't hate my current classmates, in fact i enjoy watching shen ru and mandy do funny things during recess without knowing- i just really, really miss (nut)UTG a lot. i'm not use to this reclusiveness. i saw a few (nut)UTs at the outdoor area, and one had mad scribbling on it and i literally ran towards it to see if it was our UT. most unfortunately it wasn't, and come to think about it, i don't know which felt worse: realising it wasn't our UT or realising that it  was.

5. it's the singapore windsurfing open this friday+weekends and i heard lots of other country surfers are coming down. enough said. 

PS: i texted peipei asking if the hostel had any spare socks for any reason, and she replied "yes we have socks" and for 5 seconds i was wondering if she was being funny because of the other kitten named socks. 

 



i guess you could say, that happiness with someone generally isn't about everything going smooth-sailing and constant serotonin & endorphin outburst. i'm happy with spider, but for now i'm even happier because my roommate is coming back with tomyum cup noodles + barley. 

spider says girls have an obsession with cup noodles. i don't have an obsession with them even though i consume them more often than i pang sai, i just like how they're so... instant. unless what spider meant was that girls have an obsession with food being produced almost instantly, then okay i rest my case. 

 i take comfort in someone who is the complete opposite of who i am. i just hope that comfort doesn't turn into awkwardness and eventually impatience between 2 completely innocent people who decided to just give something a shot. 

2010, i just hope that you don't hurt me.

lessons officially start tomorrow. today the resident cheapo went to the neighborhood train station's indian convenience store to get cheapo gummies: you know the yupi kinds, that are really cheap for many flavours and shapes. i am not completely unaware of the toll it takes on my nutritional health but they're cheap so anything cheap goes.  

 
A thought, that there was no passion for life, only lifestyle. And that it is unfair that man is at the top of the food chain when he still believes the newspaper headlines.

something i read today that caught my heart and eye. this was heartbreaking and i hope it doesn't happen to anyone anytime soon. although it's totally happen-able anytime soon:


"Woman
Woman, in all my years, I never found love like yours, never felt peace in times of conflict. With you, courage finds me in times when no one ever tries to stand up. You embraced me when everybody hated me. Until now, you never left my side. You have opened my eyes and brought me life.

Don’t you know you are mine?

Woman, you always told me, but I never said it back. Yet, you never questioned me. You have always known, haven’t you? And all our days, you showed me. You always comforted with your eyes. Even without touching, I feel the warmth of you. At times, there are things I wanted but never told you, yet you gave them all to me. You know me better than I know myself.

You indeed, are my miracle.

Woman, there are things I have never told. Secrets kept, to be left unknown to you. But, understand that there are visions undeserving to be seen by your beautiful eyes, words unfit to be heard and spoken by you. There are thoughts, which should never cross your peaceful mind, and sorrows unworthy to touch your soul.

My woman, I only intended to protect you.

Woman, don’t you know you look beautiful when you cry? Even in anger, you have glowed with much beauty. But woman, I’d rather you be ugly than have you shed a thousand tears. Don’t cry for me, dammit! I am not worthy of your tears. You’ve cried for me all your life, don’t make yourself miserable by doing so now.

Even if I relive my life, I’ll still be incapable to take away all your sorrows.

Woman, I know it’s too late. I should have told you all of these, long before. You always wanted to hear it, you deserve to, but I never told you when I had the chance. You have every right to be angry with me.

I’m angry with myself, as well.

Woman, I never fulfilled my promise. There are things I have left undone, unknown. But, woman, my woman, I never wanted to leave you.

Funny, isn’t it? Even now, I still leave it unspoken. But know, my woman, that what we had doesn’t need words.

Our souls know it all."

 for those who don't have my as a friend on facebook: today i tried to delete an entire message folder in my text inbox. this is entirely embarrassing content, but back when i was too madly fallen for spider, i kept every single text from him in this folder titled 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' and today i decided it was just too stupid, so i tried to delete it. there was about 4700++ texts and for some reason, the phone refused to budge. so basically, i had to delete in batches of 20-100 texts because each time i tried to delete the entire folder on its own, the system jams and i have to re-start the phone. so the entire day was spent deleting texts 100 by 100. (in the train, in carrefour, in cotton on, in the bus, walking back to my hostel. )


and, introducing the debut of the other cat. he crawled into this trash bag that me and my roommates refused to throw away because we got lazy and became staunch supporters of procrastination. he made a hole in the bag, and i tried to kick it but each time i did his paw flies out, all claws sticking out and ready to attack. 

edit: talk about cat fights and scratching and hissing. baby was completely discreet. while socks was enjoying the stroking of my man-hands caused by wear and tear from windsurfing, his tail was casually hanging down the corner of the bed. baby sniffed the tail, tapped it a few times and made a lunge for it with her teeth. obviously mayhem broke loose.

i got this off catharxix !

I confess that in 2009 I…

( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken (way 2 many times)
(x) broke someone else’s heart
(x) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
(x) done something you’ve regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

SCHOOL
( ) took an honors/advanced class
(x) broke the dress code
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior
( ) straight A’s
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
(x) failed a class
(x) skipped school
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
(x) intentionally tripped someone at school
(x) were involved in something you’ll never forget

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
( ) listened to music you couldn’t stand
( ) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
(x) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
(x) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
(x) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

"Do you know how they brainwash people? They repeat something over and over. And that’s what we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good. More is good. More is good. We repeat it — and have it repeated to us — over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all this, he has no perspective on what’s really important anymore."
Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom




oh and by the way spider, you know something? you might know that i have a queer habit of watching movies once again after i've watched them, but you do not know that i only said that because it was the company that made me want to watch it twice, and not so much the movie. 

well, now you know!

the perplexities of love:

a man can write of love and not be in love.

so, does this cue questions in my head? are you in love, anyone out there? tell me how it feels. spider said love is like some pokemon i can't remember, and that the pokemon could change shapes/faces or something close to that. you get my drift.

but there's nothing wrong in declaring how much you can love someone, is there? because talk is cheap. and so are we.